Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Self-Esteem, Then and Now (Laurie)

This is going to be an emotional post to write, but it's been on my heart for weeks and I think it's important. Being a teenager is such an exciting time - your whole life is ahead of you, with practically endless possibilities. But for many, the teenage years also pose great challenges. The process of finding yourself and the path you want to take isn't an easy one, and you're surrounded by others on a similar journey, leading to a great deal of uncertainty and vulnerability.


I know I've been very fortunate. I grew up in a loving household with supportive parents and experienced no safety concerns and relatively little bullying compared to what many teens face. But I did go through some years of very low self-esteem, and I'd like to share about it - not to make you all feel sorry for me, because I've made my peace with these events, but to give you my perspective 10+ years after the fact. If you're a teenager having a tough time, I hope this can show you you're not alone, and that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's not yet apparent.

I went to a small, private grade school where my classmates were generally pleasant and respectful towards one another. So up through sixth grade I felt confident in my abilities and my looks, and couldn't wait to expand my horizons at the public middle school.

But in seventh grade, things changed for the worse. I was going through an extremely awkward stage. No, really. I had unflattering glasses, a large gap between my front teeth (that later led to years of braces), and bushy, curly hair that I didn't know how to deal with. In addition, I had quite a full figure for a 12/13-year-old with no clue how to dress appropriately. On top of that, with a larger school came a wider range of classmates, who weren't all quite as civil as I was accustomed to.

The first comment on my appearance came indirectly through a friend. In discussing why I hadn't received an invitation to a party she was planning to attend, she reluctantly told me, "So-and-so doesn't want to be friends with you because of your teeth." It hit me like a physical blow. I was ugly. So ugly, in fact, that someone - probably lots of people - didn't want to be friends with me. I regarded myself differently from that moment on, letting that one comment shatter my formerly positive self-image.

The other incident that stands out most strongly in my mind happened later that year. I left school late because of a French horn lesson, and I was wearing a new dress because we'd had a band performance earlier that day. As I walked out to where my mom waited in our van, I passed a group of 8th-grade girls, one of whom called out a comment about my large chest. I remember fighting tears as I kept walking, not wanting them to see me cry and too ashamed to explain what happened to my mom. And from then on I was self-conscious about my figure - first wearing clothes that were too baggy, later too tight - trying to sort out how to handle this physical feature I was so uncomfortable with.

Eventually, my awkward phase passed (as they all do, I promise!). I got contacts, my braces came off, and I learned how to straighten my hair. But even once the compliments started coming in, I didn't believe them. I was too scared to think someone might find me pretty, because what if I was wrong again? I didn't think my confidence could take another crippling blow, so instead I kept it as low as possible.

But years later, I finally managed to build myself back up. I matured, as did my peers. I went off to college and beyond, where my world-view expanded, and I realized that many of the things and people I had found so important in high school hardly mattered anymore. Most significantly, the way I defined my self-worth altered dramatically. I began to realize how much I'm capable of, and that how I carry myself and treat people affects how they view me at least as much as whether or not my features are attractive.

As I said, I'm now 10+ years past being a teenager. Looking back, it makes me so sad and frustrated that I let a few comments from petty classmates have such a lasting influence on me. Do I still care about how I look? Of course. But time and experience have helped me put it in perspective. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, writer, lawyer, reader, friend, singer, and so many other things, all of which make me a worthwhile person, regardless of my external appearance.

So, if you are experiencing any kind of self-esteem crisis, please know that you are important and beautiful to me and the vast majority of the people around you, even if someone feels the need to cut you down to feel better about themselves. Most importantly, you are exactly who God made you to be. To paraphrase from one of my favorite children's books, You Are Special by Max Lucado, God made you, and He doesn't make mistakes. And hang in there. Awkward phases don't last forever, nor does middle school, high school, or whatever tough phase you're going through. I pray that one day you'll be able to look back on these struggles from the perspective of a much happier time of life.

What stands out most to you about your teenage years - the good or the bad? Are there any experiences or pieces of advice you'd like to share?

Thanks for reading,
Laurie

Attribution:
https://static.pexels.com/photos/7307/pexels-photo.jpeg

13 comments:

  1. Thank you, Laurie, for such an encouraging post. It hits home, even though I am 42. I'll add my voice to yours, to let our readers know the awkward, uncomfortable stages don't last forever. God made you special, and one day there will be people in your life to recognize and celebrate that with you!

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Erin, I'm so glad you found it encouraging! And you're spot on about finding people who will recognize what makes you special and unique - they're out there!

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  2. Thank you for this post. It's just what I needed to hear today. For me, it is not so much physical appearance as social awkwardness and a general hyper-awareness of my flaws that lead me to feel upset and discontent with myself. Gotta love being a teenager.
    Brenna

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Brenna, I'm so glad you were able to connect with my story. Please know that this difficult time is temporary - I experienced some social awkwardness as well (still do!), but as I moved on to college, law school, the workplace, parenthood, and now the writing community, I've found more and more people who understand and appreciate me for who I am. You will, too!!

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    2. I hear you, Brenna, and ditto to what Laurie said and Erin above. Even as an adult, I'm learning to embrace my own awkwardness, and finding that the things I am self-conscious of are things my friends and family love about me.

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  3. Great heartfelt post Laurie. We had a strikingly similar experience growing up, which I never would have guessed since you are so beautiful. I was called Gap Girl. I had the frizzy hair issue. I was asked if I played on the football team. My coping mechanism was to usually just make a joke or avoid the people that were mean-spirited or ignorant. I also tried to seek out friendships with kind, thoughtful, respectful people. The well-known serenity prayer always helped me through my struggles too.
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I realized that the only person I needed to impress and get the approval of is was myself. If I felt like I was being the best version of myself I could, while also still learning and improving everyday, I would be okay.

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    1. I really appreciate your comment, Jaysa, thank you! I'm so sorry to hear you had to put up with similar teasing as a teenager, but it sounds like you came up with some great strategies for rising above it. I love the serenity prayer you included, and this kind of situation is a perfect application for it. And I think you're beautiful too, inside and out :)

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing this, Laurie. I could relate so much as I was reading, and you explained the feelings and reactions so well. The way one comment can stun you and change the way you think about yourself and how, without realizing it, you start to keep your confidence low to try to protect yourself. And being too ashamed to tell your mom. Brings tears to my eyes. It always feels good to hear someone else's story, even though I'm sorry it happened to you. It's crazy how it seems to happen to everyone, but you can't see that when it's you in that moment. And it's different things for all of us. Somebody says one hurtful thing, we decide to listen and carry that shame, even if it is something other people find beautiful about us. I bet you were absolutely adorable.

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Laura, it's nice to hear how you related to my story. The feeling of isolation is one of the main reasons I wanted to do this post - no one wants to talk about it while it's happening to them. And I love your comment about other people finding our supposedly faulty or awkward traits beautiful. That's one of the things I cherish most about my husband - when he teases me, I can tell that my idiosyncrasies cause him to love me even more :) Everyone needs someone like that in their life!

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  5. Thank you for sharing that, Laurie! I'm sad that you had such a difficult phase, but also happy that you learned from it and can now share your experience to inspire others :)

    P.S.
    Thanks again for covering for me!

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  6. My teen years were traumatic. I ran away so many times that I had to be sent to a group home. It was the best thing for me. I excelled in group home living, despite the teenage cruelty. I was already used to that. The Lord put an adult in my life, Big John, who kept reminding me to read Matt 11:28-30. Praise the Lord, I now teach the teens in our church. I pray God will use my experiences to help them, the way He used Big John to help me.

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    1. Wow, thanks for sharing your powerful story, Elle! The teens you work with are so lucky to have you helping to guide them through difficult times.

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